Posted by: Admin on Wednesday, June 02, 2004 - 07:56 PM
Sometimes in the darkness behind your eyelids, a dream is all you have...
My
Dream
Introduction by Little Katie
This is the first story that I've written that will be posted since I was put in jail and started serving my sentence. Only 40 months to go. Writing has helped me pass the time, I wrote a second novel, and the first one "God Bless the Child" will be out in the coming months. I hope that you enjoy this shortie, please comment. By the way, I invented the nursery rhyme myself. Its similarity to any others is coincidental.
Lord knows that my life has been hard. I'm sure that it's not the worst life on the planet but I've had my share of hardships. My childhood could have been better; look at "Unforgotten Memories" here on Big Closet to see about some of the things I've endured. Now, I find my freedom has been taken and I'm spending the next 40 months in a federal facility unjustly.
I live in an open area with 160 of the noisiest, crudest people so I don't even have a space to call my own. The government took almost everything away from me and sometimes the only thing I can hold onto is the dream. Its 10:30 at night; noise is at a frighteningly high level. My only escape from my barless cell, a concrete office cubical with bedding for three, is into my own mind. It is an escape that I need, or I know I won't survive this experience.
My Dream
by Little Katie
I can literally feel myself shrinking in my own mind; aware that I now have two bodies. The other body, the one of my escape, has shrunk to that of a three year old. A happy three-year-old. Not just any three year old, mind you, but the body of a three-year-old girl. The body I would choose if I had the chance to do the impossible and start life all over from scratch. My dark brown hair with its premature gray has returned to its original platinum blonde. My hair flows down to my shoulders and sometimes when I run or move it tickles. The bangs are combed forward but come to an end just above my light eyebrows. My big blue eyes are the delight of everyone who sees them and I'm as cute as a button, thank you very much.
Its summer and it's nice out and warm so all I'm wearing is my pull-ups. They look like big kid undies like my sister's, honest; the only difference is that they pull open and have a picture of a little ballerina in pink on them. Being a girl is great, especially in the summer, especially when you're wearing comfy pull-ups and sitting on the tickly green grass and playing with your big sister. I got to tell you about Nicole before I forget and then she'll be sad and we don't want that to happen now do we?
Nicole is very pretty. She has shoulder length strawberry blonde hair that Mommy parts in the middle to keep from her eyes. Her face is round like a circle almost and she got big blue eyes just like me. Today she is wearing a blue dress that doesn't cover everything but what do I care? I'm three, I'm a girl, I'm happy and one day when I can use the potty good maybe Mommie will buy me a pair of white undies with ruffles, just like I see Nicole wearing. Plus she's my sister and I love her more than three mountains of ice cream with chocolate sauce and whipped cream and cherries on top.
Ok, Nicole is the best big sister I the whole wide world and that's a lot and she likes playing with me. She has me sitting in the tickly grass and her legs are on the side of mine cause I am still a shorty. She tells me to put my hands up with the palms facing her. I clap first because I know we're going to play patty cake; you clap too cause its just fun to clap. Her hands clap together and then her left hand touches my left hand and then her right hand touches my right hand. Then she claps twice, then patty cakes both my hands. I'm not coordinated to do the same thing back but watching Nicole do it is mesmerizing. Oops, I'm back Ha, Ha. Nicole also sings a silly song about little baby Kaitie in a candy store. It goes like this but you gotta sing. Sing it as it's not as fun if you don't and I'll stick my tongue out at you for being such a spoil sport. You can also patty cake Mr. Monitor, he won't mind.
Ok, here's the song: Little Baby Kaitie visits the candy store: eats a little morsel but she wants to eat more; her eyes grow much wider and oh for heaven's sake, what's in Katie's tummy? A piece of chocolate cake, her mommy turns away but nobody knows why; look at baby Katie... she ate a cherry pie! Mommy gets distracted, says "Hi" to a fellow, letting little baby Kaitie gobble down marshmallows; Little Baby Katie ate everything too soon; what happened to her tummy? It ... just ... went ... Boom!
I smile because hey, it's about me and double hey it's about candy and a gazillion double heys! I'm three and don't have to watch my figure. At the end when Nicole shouts BOOM, she tickles my belly. I laugh and laugh and laugh but I also have an accident. It's OK though, remember, I'm three and luckily I'm in pull-ups.
Nicole grabs me gently by both hands and pulls me up. She's not mad I went either and she skips while holding my hand as we head to the house. I would skip, but I can't, but I will soon so don't make fun or I'll be forced to call you a meanie and won't be your friend and you'll be very sad and oh so sorry. Nicole tells Mommy that I made. Mommy thanks her for being such a good big sister. I say, "Thanky Nikki" too. We all go upstairs to Mommy's room as she carries me. Mommy is very pretty and I like looking at her as she lays me on her big bed. The cover has roses on it and when I lay on it I feel like I'm in the middle of a huge beautiful garden.
Mommy asks Nicole if she would get the changing stuff. Nicole likes helping and I watch her skip out of the room to get the baby wipes and clean pull-up and skip back in. She climbs on the bed and kneels down beside me. I don't mind though cause I know she loves me and isn't going to do nothing bad. I play with her hand as I hear the tape from the pull-up tear apart. "RIP." It's a funny sound. The good thing is I'm not scared, nope not even in the least bit. I feel safe and it's a good feeling. Mommy and Nicole take turns blowing on my chubby baby belly. I laugh and kick my feet. Mommy lets Nicole wipe all the tinkle from my privy. The baby-wipe is cool and tickles me. I'm lifted up and Mom tells me to put my feet in the leg holes of the pull-up. Soon the new pull up is pulled up and the inner cotton lining feels soft and warm and I feel safe.
Mom then lets me and Nicole jump up and down on the bed. We go bouncy, bouncy, whee! We're only allowed to do it if Mommy is there so we don't fall of and get a boo-boo. Nicole and me also do a ring around the rosey, its fun at the end to make your bottom go Boom on a big soft comfy bed, but boy am I getting sleepy.
Mommy says its nap time. She turns down the covers on her bed and lets Nicole get under after Mommy takes off Nicole's dress. I'm glad because I know it means that I'll get to sleep with her on the big comfy bed under the roses. Mommy is also smart enough to know about my other bed, the one in the prison, the yucky one and she says that she has just the thing to help me unwind. She unbuttons her pretty pink blouse and cuddles me in her arms. She sits on the bed and puts her free arm under Nicole's head as my legs drape over my sister's body. I contentedly nurse, not even cognizant of my mother's teat, just looking at her face as she gently brushes my hair with her fingers. I can feel Nicole's hand rub my chubby thigh. My eyes grow heavier in this world and the real. Mommy places my head on the pillow and puts the blanket over me and Nicole. I feel two pairs of lips on two separate cheeks as they kiss me goodnight. I hear them both say, "We love you." just before I lose consciousness.
Commentary from Katie
I once wrote a piece on why I write what I do. I decided to do something like that here, explaining why this dream is important and the various elements in it.
Question one is, "Why 3? Why not 9, or 13, or 16, or even adult?"
The answer is quite deeper than one might think and is not an arbitrary 'I like that age' or 'I have an infantilism fetish'. Fact is that age 3 was the first time I was sexually molested. Actually, I may have been molested before that but my earliest memory is of three. Some of the memories are quite severe but may be unreliable. But on this one I am dead certain. So, I choose to be an age before that happened and in my dream I will not have to deal with that.
Question two is, "Why an older sister, Nicole?"
In real life I am the oldest, but I don't get along with my siblings. Different people raised us differently and I don't like them. Nicole is actually the name of a girl I knew when I was in High School. She was 3 or 4 at the time. She provided great joy with her love of life and cleanness. I lost contact with her family but she provided a spark for how happy, well adjusted children should be and I always fancied it would have been fun to be her age, just to play and swim. Nicole also appears in "The Wishing Blanket".
Question three is, "What about messing and the whole diaper thing?"
Actually, there are several reasons. One, I was having accidents until I was 9 or 10 when step father abused me, so it is nothing new. He even had a thing for putting me in a diaper. When I was in one I didn't get hit. So, I equate them with safety/ But perhaps the real reason is in being changed. I feel that is the most vulnerable state to be in and to go through that you must really trust the person not to harm you. I've been harmed a lot, so perhaps there is a need to be vulnerable and be trusting.
Final question, "Why the breast feeding thing?"
This wasn't an avenue to live out my love, lust, or sexual desire for a breast. I have D cups myself! My thoughts/ideas tend to shy away from that. It's a bonding issue. My real mom and I never bonded. I don't think that I ever emotionally bonded with anyone and that's a bad place to be. Even my aunt who raised me and I love dearly is emotionally shut off so what was never there. I often worry when I write things like this how people will react and think of me. Sometimes I feel something is wrong with me. Maybe there is. Bu sometimes I feel the need to allow myself to be vulnerable and sometimes the Internet can be a safe place.
Enjoy, and PLEASE comment
My Dream
Copyright 2004 By Little Katie
This was an extremely difficult piece to transcribe. Not necessarily for the tiny hand writing, which Katie was forced to use due to prison regulations. What made it so difficult was the pain and loneliness that came through every single word.
She now has just under 3 years left to serve, and will most likely do her time in a hospital setting that will treat transsexuals in the federal prison system.
The worst part to me though, is that she was denied competent council and that her family was threatened by federal authorities. In short, she lost her profession and she is serving time for someone else's crime, just so that the conviction statistics look better.
I talk with her via phone every 10 days or so and she sounds like she is doing as well as can be expected. We're both hopeful that she will receive proper treatment for her transsexualism at the medical facility. If nothing else, perhaps she will have her own room away from the guys.
I hope you think about this when you vote this fall. I know that I am going to.
Just a reminder to everyone, Little Katie has also written a novel "God Bless the Child" which will be coming out in trade paperback from Publish America sometime this fall. It's a very tense and dramatic story about a policeman who tries to rescue a gender-confused and abused child.
If you'd like to receive a notice from Publish America when the novel is available for order, you can e-mail me your address or snail mail me at Joyce Melton, 16478 Beach
Blvd. #151, Westminster CA 92683-7860.
