Sam I Am -14- "I feel guilty..." :: BigCloset Classic :: BigCloset TG Stories <br /> June 2001 to November 2004

"I know they love me and that feels good though it kind of makes me feel guilty because I'm really Sam."

Part 14

by Sherilynne Amber MacDonald

From Her Diary...

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We went out to eat for a nice dinner last night. It was Friday and Mommy wanted us to meet this friend of hers. I think he may be a boyfriend. Gary says he's an actor on one of the cable shows. He's really good looking.

Not Gary, Gary is just little kid cute, but this guy, his name is Aaron Daly. He's good looking enough to be on TV. He's got wavy brown hair that's just too dark to be blond and he's got eyes that are so green you can't believe it.

So Mommy and I were going to get all pretty, cause it's kind of like a date, only it's Mommy's date not mine. Not that I want to go on a date but she said I could sort of practice.

Gary says I used to go on dates so much that Mommy once grounded me for two weeks for accepting three dates on the same day with three different boys. Maybe I've always been this dumb. *v*

Anyway, Mommy said I should wear a dress and hose and heels. Okay, so I got a bit worried but also excited about that, cause I haven't worn a dress outside the house except to try on in the mall since my accident.

So I picked out this blue dress, it's almost knee length and the color is just a bit darker than my eyes. It's got a kind of bib yoke of the same fabric, all shiny and the neckline is not too high and not too low either. I wear a white belt and carry a white handbag with it and wear my blue and white heels. Not too grown-up, not too little kid, either.

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Mommy saw what I picked out and she was really pleased. She's all, "You always have good taste in what to wear, Sheri. Just like your father."

So while I'm still in my underwear I go to Mommy's room to see what she's going to wear. And she's got like four dresses laid out on the bed and they are all nice. I looked at them and I'm like, "You would look good in any of these, Mommy."

And she sighed or groaned and she's like, "Yeah but how do I pick which one?"

So I look at them again and we talked about what to wear with each one and which shoes, she's got even more shoes than I do! But then I thought of something and I go, "Do you want him to remember that you're our mommy or that you're his date?"

And Mommy is all, "Oh, Sheri! That is the question isn't it?" And she grabbed me and hugged me and we both giggled then we put two of the dresses away because while they were nice they just said, "I'm someone's Mommy," too much.

Now the other two said something like, "I'm on a date and I'm serious about who I'm with." Only one was mostly green and the other was sort of white with peach accents.

I go, "Not the green, green is Aaron's color. If Gary and I both wear dark colors, that white dress will really help you stand out."

So she kissed me and we giggled and I ran back to my room to get dressed. Mommy helped me braid my hair and I helped her with hers and we both looked so good, but Mommy looked better cause it was her date.

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We went to a nice restaurant and I had a small steak and a salad and Gary had a burger and fries and Mom had a shrimp salad thing. Aaron, that's what he said we could call him, had a big steak and salad and baked potato.

The waiters came to our table all the time and Gary said it was like when he and Daddy went to this place in LA where Daddy used to eat when he was a football player. So we figured they had recognized Aaron.

But Aaron says it's because they are all flirting with Mommy and me!

I tried to watch them to see if I could catch them flirting and just what was flirting anyway. And when this one waiter, one of the younger ones, was refilling our glasses I watched him and I saw he was watching me.

So I opened my eyes real wide and smiled at him and he grinned and kind of winked with both eyes at once. I think that was so I would notice his lashes which were really dark and long and very pretty for a boy.

He flirted at me and I flirted back and it was fun. I guess if I can remember how to flirt maybe I can remember aljabra too. I think I like to flirt. *v*

Aaron invited all of us to the beach on Sunday and Mommy said we would go. And that means shopping on Saturday, even though Mommy and I both have swimsuits and stuff, it's a good excuse.

I said that and Aaron laughed really hard. He's funny and he likes to laugh and we all laughed a lot. Gary likes him, too, and Mommy was so happy that we liked him that when we got home she gave us both hugs.

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I had some strange dreams last night, so I'm writing this in the morning. This time they weren't dreams about Sam, they were dreams about Sheri. I dreamed I had got all dressed up to go to a party. Wearing a new pale lavender gown that made my eyes just jump out they looked so blue. In the dream, but now I know how to do that. A lavender dress and a little lavender eye-shadow with some purple to edge the eyeliner, that would do it.

In the dream, I was all nervous and I waited for my date but not in the front room, I waited in my bedroom cause it isn't cool to be seen waiting. I hadn't been out with this guy before, Sheri hadn't. I haven't been out with anyone and after this dream, I'm not sure I want to go.

I don't know his name, I'm not even sure this really happened. Maybe Mom knows his name, but I don't know how to ask her.

Cause he comes to pick me up, he can drive so he's older than me and I see him but I can't see him somehow. That's why I'm not sure if this really happened.

We went somewhere to eat and then we went to a party, it was a party with a lot of older kids. The music was really loud and I danced and I guess I do know how to dance after all.

Then we had a fight. I don't mean a hitting fight but an arguing fight. He wanted to do something I didn't want to do. He called me a little kid and I think I called him a bad name. Then I said I wanted him to take me home, but instead he took me to talk to these other girls.

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These girls said everything was going to be okay but I was still upset. They said they would protect me but I don't think I knew them very well. One was a girl who looked like someone you see on TV, she was black and really pretty and she said I should call a cab and just go home.

I think I was crying but I think I was more mad than scared.

"Guys," one of the other girls said. "Screw'em." And all the other girls laughed and said that was the problem, I didn't want to. I understood that and it made me blush.

We were in a bedroom in a house I think and the party was going on outside and inside the house. This wasn't the party we were supposed to have gone to, so I wanted to call home.

They gave me a phone and I tried to dial but things kept going wrong. You know how it is in a dream. Someone gave me another coke and it tasted like medicine.

I started getting really scared, I'm getting scared sitting here in my room writing this down. I'm pretty sure it really happened but I don't remember much more about the dream. Just flashes of light and music and somebody wanting me to kiss him and I didn't want to do that.

So I ran and somebody chased me. It seemed to take forever, how dreams are. But I ran and I ran and a big bright light hit me and I fell into a place where it was very dark.

One thing I do know, that lavender dress was the one they found me in when they took me to the hospital and I woke up and thought I was a boy named Sam.

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I'm back in my room now, it's been a weird morning so far so I thought I would write a little more. I'm not sure we're going to go shopping later after all. I'm going to write this down to help me think about it. It really seems to help.

Mom called me out to breakfast after I had written my earlier dream down. At first I didn't want to go cause I felt really bad about the dream. Then I realized what kind of bad I felt--I was scared so talking to Mom seemed like a good idea.

I didn't know what to say though and Gary was there and he's a cool kid but he's only eight and I didn't want to scare him, too. But Mom just looked at me and she said, "Nightmares?"

I nodded. I'd had them before since I got out of the hospital and sometimes Mom had come down to stay in my room with me or let me go to her room since her bed is bigger.

"You know you can call me," she said.

"I know, but I woke up and it was almost morning cause it was already light so I just sat in bed for awhile."

I don't know what I looked like right then but Mom put a hand on my shoulder and Gary grabbed my other hand and squeezed. I know they love me and that feels good though it kind of makes me feel guilty because I'm really Sam, not Sheri. Well, I guess mostly I'm Sheri but the part of me that's Sam feels guilty.

"It's okay, honey," Mom said. "Everything's fine now."

"You're safe," said Gary. And he looked so fierce that I almost wanted to laugh. I squeezed his hand back and we smiled at each other.

"Do you want to tell us about it?" Mom asked.

"It was pretty scary. And I'm not sure all of it was a dream," I finally said. I think if I hadn't already written it down I would have just cried instead of being able to talk.

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"You think you might have remembered something?" I could tell Mom was pretty anxious to know but didn't want to worry me.

"Uh huh," I said. "But it's all mixed up with stuff that might just be a dream."

"Even if it's just a dream, we want to know," Gary said. "And talking about it might help you remember?"

"How did he get so smart when I'm so dumb?" I asked Mom and we all laughed a bit. I messed Gary's hair up and he grinned at me.

"We're here in the kitchen," Mom said. "You're safe, it's daylight and we love you. Nothing bad can happen." When she said that, I wanted to cry. Dulcetta, the woman who comes twice a week to help Mom with housework, was doing the laundry in the utility room and it did feel peaceful and safe.

I took a deep breath and told them what I remembered about the dream. I already wrote that down so I'm not going to write it down again. I told them just about eveerything I could remember.

Mom glanced at Gary a few times when I danced around what it was the guy at the party wanted me to do but Gary didn't flinch and you could tell he knew what I meant. I mean, with TV and movies and even comic books, it's not that hard for a smart kid to figure out what dating and sex are about. And Gary really is smarter than me or even Sam.

In fact, it was Gary that asked questions. "This guy at the party, is he the one that picked you up at the house?"

"I think so," I said. "But I don't remember for sure. Who picked me up? Where were we going?"

"That was Paul Tremayne..." Mom began.

"I had a date with Paul Tremayne?" I said. I knew the name somehow but it took me a moment to remember where from.

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"Tall mook with a stupid grin," said Gary. "He was on that TV show where the old guy had a bunch of orphan kids to take care of, 'Father Goose', based on some old movie. Tremayne played 'Tommy'. They didn't get renewed." Gary knows everything about television.

I nodded. Some of my magazines, Sheri's magazines, had pictures of him. Dark hair, kind of a sweet face with the saddest eyes; in two of the magazines, Sheri had drawn heart-shapes around him. But she did that a lot.

And I remembered something else. "Someone called him 'Tommy,' and he said, 'I'm not Tommy.' Like he was all annoyed?"

Mom suddenly looked mad enough to bite someone. "He told the police that you disappeared at the dance."

"The dance?" I said. "Where were we supposed to be going?"

"The Spring Formal at his private high school, Westron Academy." She looked really unhappy. "We thought you'd be safe, honey. He's sixteen and the school isn't more than two miles from here."

I shook my head. "I don't think we ended up at a high school dance. All the kids looked older and I..." I stammered a bit, my throat felt all tight and the pancakes I had eaten didn't seem happy. "I was the only girl in a long dress?"

"He looked so upset about what happened," Mom said.

"He's an actor," said Gary.

"People at the formal remembered him and you being there..."

"Maybe we went there for a little bit," I said. My eyes were stinging.

"And maybe he went back after what happened," said Gary. Then Gary said some bad words but Mom didn't even scold him.

She said that maybe she should tell the police what else I had remembered. I didn't really want her to. When I was in the hospital, the police kept trying to get me to remember things and it made me feel sick and crazy that I couldn't. Daddy made them stop. I guess I looked all nervous and upset cause Mom said, "I'll talk to your father first, would that be okay?"

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I nodded. Daddy wouldn't let the police talk to me alone anymore, he said that.

"We've got to tell him, anyway," said Gary. "If this guy Paul hurt you or let someone hurt you, Daddy will want to know."

Mom looked worried. "We haven't talked about this as much as maybe we should. But you've been so upset," she said.

"Cause I can't remember, I know. Daddy will know what to do."

Mom looked a bit sad for some reason when I said that but Gary just nodded. I know that Gary and I wanted Daddy to help us make up our minds about what to tell the police. Mom and Daddy still love each other, they just can't live together and sometimes that makes them both sad. That must really hurt.

Okay, so Mom called Daddy and I went to my room to write and think.

I think this guy Paul lied to Mom and Daddy and the police. Maybe we went to that party at his school but then we left and went somewhere else. Well, he took Sheri somewhere else. Don't you think she should have had brains enough not to go with him? I know I'm dumb but that's just stupid.

So we go to another party and someone gave Sheri some drugs maybe but she didn't know it. Then somebody tried something and Sheri didn't want to do it. So she ran away and she got hurt and maybe she should have died but instead I'm here.

I'm Sam cause being Sheri hurts too much.