Sam I Am -13- "It's a dumb name..." :: BigCloset Classic :: BigCloset TG Stories <br /> June 2001 to November 2004

"I think it's a dumb name but I'm stuck with it. I couldn't tell him I was Sam, could I?"

Part 13 - "It's a dumb name."

by Sherilynne Amber MacDonald

From Her Diary...

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I've got to go to school again and it's not fair! It's summer and I'll have to go to school on my birthday and it's the middle of summer, there's never any school on my birthday!

Fooey!

I still need to learn some big girl cusswords cause fooey just looks like a little kid but who am I going to learn them from? I can't go up to Mommy and go like, "Please teach me to cuss." *v* <-- that's a giggle!

I guess I could just listen to her when she gets mad but I know that some of those words are really bad and she might actually wash my mouth out with soap like she threatened Gary with once when he said the f-word even if I am a big girl. *v*

Oh yeah. I've got to go to school starting next week! I was going to write more about going to Disneyland and shopping and the other park and stuff but now I'm all mad and all.

I don't want to go to school.

Mommy says I have to because I can't go back to high school in the fall cause I'm just a dumb little kid cause I can't remember nothing. Well she didn't say that exactly but it's what she meant. Then she goes, "It's okay, Sheri. You'll have fun."

Oh sure right.

The thing is, I'm scared to go to school. What if the other kids make fun of me for being so dumb. Here, I'm a big girl, I'm fifteen and I can't do that hard math stuff or spell big words. I'm so stupid.

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Mommy thinks I LIKE school. Can you beat that? I guess maybe Sheri liked school, I bet she was smart. I wish I was smart but the part of me that's supposed to be smart is a Sam part and Sam is just a dumb little kid who couldn't smart his way across the street.

It's true. I got lost one day cause I went for a walk and I couldn't remember my house number or the street I live on. I didn't think to look to see what it was before I left and I must have took a wrong turn and all these houses look alike and the streets too and they all curve.

This was the day after we got back from Disneyland. Mommy let me go outside but she didn't say I could leave the yard. I guess I shouldn't have.

So when I knew I was lost I like started running and looking and I wasn't sure if I saw my house I'd know which one it was. I was so scared I thought I would puke. Now that's stupid.

I just wanted to go for a walk cause it was a nice day and I had these cute red slacks on and a pink top. And my best sneaks which was good cause when I started running if I had had on plain flats, I would probably have killed myself.

Flats are not good for running. Well, heels are worse, of course, so that's why I was wearing sneaks except I never thought about having to run. Well, I didn't have to run, I was just scared.

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I'd probably still be running around in those crooked streets looking for my house and afraid to knock on doors if I hadn't seen the mailman. He was like half a block away and he had a big sack of mail he was carrying.

I stopped running, cause I felt like an idiot running down the street and I almost couldn't breathe. So I stopped and I caught my breath and I think, "The mailman's going to know where I live. I just got to figure out how to ask him without sounding really stupid."

So I waited in the shade while he put mail in people's door slots for a few more houses. I hoped I hadn't run so far I got all sweaty cause a girl isn't supposed to get sweaty in her pretty clothes.

Then I went up to him when he got closer and I go,"Hi!"

And he's like, "Hi!" and he grinned at me cause I'm a pretty girl and I was dressed real nice and people are always smiling at me.

So I smiled back and I go, "My friend Sheri MacDonald lives near here but I can't find her house? Am I on the right street? Do you know her address?"

And he goes, "There's some MacDonald's down that way," and he points back the way I came. "But I'm not supposed to tell people's addresses or names."

Okay, that makes sense but I guess I looked sad and worried and then he looked sad and worried, like he didn't want me to be unhappy.

So I go, "You're going that way, have you got any mail for the MacDonalds?"

He's like, "I might," and then he grins and winks.

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Okay, so I walk along with him and we talked and I giggled a lot and he asked my name and I go, "Amber," cause that is like my middle name now. I think it's a dumb name but I was stuck with it, I couldn't tell him I was Sam, could I?

He said he had a sister about my age but she lives in Pacoima and I wouldn't know her here and I shook my head cause I didn't know where Pacoima was but we live in Canoga Park. Besides, I don't know anyone, even those girls that think they know me.

But he was real nice to me and it takes a long while to deliver mail but I stayed with him until I suddenly saw my house and I'm all, "There it is!"

And he's all laughing and here comes my little brother Gary out the front door and he's like, "Oh, there you are, Sheri!"

So then the mailman knows I was looking for my own house!

I could of killed Gary for saying that but I just pretended like he hadn't and I thanked the mailman and ran in the house.

I'm so dumb I guess I do need to go to school but I'm scared about it still.

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I told my ~~therabus~~ therabist about being afraid to go back to school. I guess I haven't talked about her before here but I go to head theraby every Thursday at 3 pm at her house. Mommy takes me then she comes back and picks me up in an hour.

Bonnie is real nice and she's not like a doctor but I guess she is a doctor or she's a counselor which is a kind of doctor but she's more like an aunt. Her name is Bonnie Marquez but she said to just call her Bonnie.

I told her about thinking I was a boy, at first, and she like never says she doesn't believe me about anything. She's just all, "Why do you think that?" or "How do you feel about that?"

So I told her about Mommy saying that on Monday I'll go back to school and she asked how I felt and I'm like, "It scares me."

So she goes, "Why does it scare you?"

And I go, "Cause people are going to find out how dumb I am."

"Why do you think they'll find out?" she asks me.

I go, "Cause I can't do that high school stuff. I don't remember how."

And she goes, "That doesn't make you dumb, Sheri. You just can't remember yet."

And I'm like, "Pretty much the same thing if I don't ever remember."

"I'm sure you will remember more than you think you can right now," she says.

So I asked her one of her own questions, "Why do you think that?" I thought it was funny but I didn't giggle, I just smiled and she got the joke cause she smiled back.

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So she's like, "Memory is a funny think, Sheri. It's not stored in just one place in the brain, it's stored all over. So, just because you got a bump on the head and you can't remember for awhile doesn't mean your memories aren't there. You just don't know how to find them right now."

I thought about that and I thought about not being able to find my house but then knowing that I had found it when I did find it even though it doesn't look that different from a dozen other houses.

So I told her about getting lost and I guess I told it funny cause we were both laughing. Only she wasn't laughing at me, she was laughing cause I was laughing. Well, it was kind of funny in a stupid way.

So I go, "That proves how dumb I am."

And she shakes her head and she goes, "No, Sheri. Smart people get lost all the time." And she told me about going over to a friend of hers where she goes all the time except this time she turned too soon and didn't notice that.

So she goes on down the street and turns into the cul-de-sac and all the houses looked just like the ones near her friends house.

She didn't realize she was lost till she got out of her car and then she saw all the houses weren't quite the same as they should be. So she goes, "I felt sick to my stomach because I knew I was lost."

And I just nodded and I go, "Yeah, that's exactly how I felt." And then I started to cry.

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You don't ever want to cry in front of your therbist if you don't want to try to figure out why you are crying.

At first she just let me cry, I mean this wasn't the first time I cried in these meetings. So each time she just lets me cry for awhile and hands me tissues if I need them.

And then she asks something like, "Do you think you know why you're crying, Sheri?" Which is what she asked this time and I just nodded but really I was done crying so I wiped my eyes carefully. I didn't want to have to redo my eye makeup before Mommy came and picked me up.

Bonnie smiles at me and she goes, "Why do you think you were crying after that story, Sheri?"

And I'm like, "Cause I'm scared a lot and really scared of being lost?"

She's really good at asking the right question to keep you talking or just sitting there quiet till you have to say something.

So I'm still talking. "I'm kinda scared of lots of things, but being lost really scares me."

So she goes, "Why is that do you think?"

I thought about Sam being lost out there in the place you go when you're dead but I didn't say anything about that. Then without even thinking about it, I go,"Cause if you're lost, then you might get hurt and no one could find you to help."

Okay, so then I had to think about that a little bit.

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This time she said something kind of different. When I hadn't said anything for a while, she goes,"When you were hurt, Sheri, someone did find you and they helped you."

I go, "I know, but I don't remember how I got lost so it's like if I get lost or scared it might happen again. I don't even remember how I got hurt."

"And that's scary," she goes.

I nodded.

"You know the police said you were hit by a car, Sheri?" she said real soft.

I nodded again. "But how did that happen? I'm not a little kid," well, Sheri wasn't, "so why would I be out in the street and get hit?"

She didn't say anything, she just looked at me and I thought that she looked proud of me for getting this far into talking about this without crying again like I usually do.

I don't remember anything about it, getting hit by a car or however I got hurt. I don't hardly remember anything that happened before I woke up in the hospital and thought I was Sam. Usually when we get this far I'm like all shaking and crying and Bonnie makes us stop.

This time it's like there it is and I know it's scary but I don't have to be scared. Bonnie is right there and nothing bad is going to happen. I smiled at her and she smiled at me

"Why can't I remember, Bonnie?" I said. "If I could remember, maybe it wouldn't be so scary." Right then, I wasn't thinking that if I remembered being Sheri what would happen to Sam?

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See, I don't remember stuff that even people like with amnesia remember. Nobody forgets which way a book opens unless their brain is really hurt bad.

And without even thinking about it again, I go, "I'm scared that I'm still lost. And no one is going to find me and I won't remember things and I'm going to be stupid forever."

Saying that kind of surprised me but Bonnie smiiles and goes, "I don't think you're stupid, Sheri. I think you're a very bright young woman." She calls me that a lot, a young woman. Nobody else does.

It makes me feel a little funny, cause Bonnie is a woman and Mommy is a woman and I'm just a girl and that's weird enough cause I used to be a boy only I don't tell anyone that anymore. Except Bonnie sometimes.

But being called a young woman is not the same as being called a young lady, cause when Mommy says that I know I'm in trouble but if Daddy or Uncle Robert says it, I know they are teasing me. And if Gary calls me a young lady, I pretend I'm going to smack him one. *!*!*!*

So I was thinking about that, getting in trouble and being teased and playing with Gary so I was smiling at Bonnie and she smiled back at me.

She goes, "Are you still scared about going to school next week, Sheri?"

And I'm like, "Yeah, but not as much. there's lots of stuff scarier than that."

So she goes, "I think going to school will be good for you. You'll get to be with girls and boys your own age again."

I go, "Boys, huh."

"You don't like boys?" she goes.

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Okay, that made me want to squirm a bit but I stayed still and pretended to be thinking about it. What Uncle Robert called flirting that I did with Dennis and Keith in Disneyland was kind of fun and I knew that those boys sure liked me.

"I guess I like boys, if they like me," I go but then I saw that Bonnie was grinning at me and we both had to laugh again. *v*

"Do you want to talk about boys and how you feel about them, Sheri?" she asked me when we stopped giggling.

"Uh, no, not right now." I knew if I squirmed again, she'd ask more about it so I go, "I'm too worried about school."

So we talked some about what school might be like and she goes, "It's only going to be for half a day and for the first week, you're just going to be meeting with a tutor."

And I'm like, "Just me and one teacher?"

And Bonnie goes, "Yes. It's another kind of theraby and don't you think you would like to be back in school with your friends this fall?"

"I don't remember any friends," I said, thinking about the girls who visited me and made me cry cause I couldn't remember things.

"They remember you," said Bonnie and that was a pretty weird thought too.

The door buzzer made a noise right then and I looked up and saw Mommy on the tv monitor that shows who is at the door so I knew it was time to go. Bonnie just smiled at me and went to let Mommy in.

I haven't told Bonnie about remembering that my boy name was Sam but I think maybe I should. Maybe next time.

Note: TG magic transmigration age progression child to teen Rated-M
Part 14. 13. 12. 11. 10. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.